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Ashley
05 May 2014 @ 09:44 am

My oldest brother and his wife had their son yesterday at 5am! HE WAS BORN ON MAY THE FOURTH. MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU! Hehe

They named him Breckin. A little different but I like it! Zach (my brother) said they heard the name after an episode of the Walking Dead, some actor on the show. He's 7 pounds and 14 ounces and is super cute and quiet and sleeps all the time and awhhh. I love babies. Good babies! I'm not a kid person, but being an aunt is awesome because I don't have the responsibility of being the parent but can totally spoil my nephew :)

This morning my brothers facebook status was, "watching family guy with the boy while mom sleeps, shh!" Ahaha it's so weird that my brother has a son. Our whole family is pretty vulgar with our humour so Breckin will definitely grow up in a house full of comedians!

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Ashley
25 March 2014 @ 09:37 am
So, I'm home with an even better job now. My old manager from Eclipse, a clothing store in the mall, called while I was working at Tim Hortons and wanted me to be their assistant manager, 40 hours a week, 12.50 an hour, only for a month and then I'm down to shift manager with 25+ hours a week. I'm fine with that.

But even after going back there, I'm still unhappy. I can't figure out what is wrong with me. Thinking about my future stills makes me anxious and want to cry. Thinking about how much money I don't have (maybe, 12$ in my bank account? 1$ left on my credit card? 5$ in change in my purse?) and what I owe (500$ on my credit card, 3500$ on my line of credit, 1700$ in OSAP?) and I just get stressed. I think about going back to school in the fall but not even that makes me happy. I think about saving up to buy a car but not even that makes me happy. I'm sad because I'm fat and can't keep a healthy diet going, I work out for three days straight and then quit. I'm with my friends a lot but I'm still unhappy even with them.

Sometimes I think about killing myself, not sure why because then I feel guilty like I'm being selfish and a coward. My brother's wife is having a baby in a month, my dad spent a lot of money on me and if I killed myself it'd be a waste, right?

But I'm so unhappy. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of my bed.
 
 
Current Mood: scaredscared
 
 
 
Ashley
18 March 2014 @ 09:34 pm
So, I'm back home. I moved here about a week ago, and things have been pretty good so far. I was worried I wouldn't find a job but ended up getting hired full time at Tim Hortons, which was where I worked part-time as my first job. So I'm back at it baking. Hopefully it works out well. I'm kind of happy to get back into it, I've missed it a little. But I'm still nervous. I hate meeting new people, :(

I've been hanging out with my friends almost every day, and because of this I've been feeling more and more stressed about money and not having my license/a car. I live about 15-20 mins away from all of my friends, and they always make the travel here to hang out with me, or bring me back to the valley to hangout, and then bring me home. And I don't even have any money to give them for gas, so lately I've been using my mom's tips from her job to catch the bus. I just really need to get a move on practising driving and saving for a car. Now that I'm working 32-36 hours a week and getting 11$ an hour, I'm hoping I can save up for a shitty car in a few months.

Also, the fact that I'll be making pretty good money has kind of given me hope to go back to university this fall, the one in my city. My friends go there and they have a more interesting sounding English program than Carleton. But, again, not sure if I can save up enough for that or get OSAP.

I'm a little stressed out right now because my line of credit is maxed out, and the payment was due today which I can't pay until thursday. My visa is somehow 29$ OVER my limit, and my phone bill is 130$. I get paid thursday from like one shift back in Ottawa so I've no idea what to do.


In other news, mentally I've been feeling quite shitty. Ever since I got back from Christmas break, I've kind of felt... depressed? Yikes, I hate using that word because I don't want to be one of those people who self-diagnoses themselves with depression. But I'm just always sad. I'm always thinking the glass is half empty, that my future looks bleak, that I'm a failure, and nothing gets me excited anymore. I hang out with my friends so much because being alone allows me to think sad, scary and down right stupid things. I'm distracted when I'm drunk/high/hanging with my friends. But like right now? I just can't help thinking I have nothing worth living for.

I dunno what to do, really.
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
 
 
 
Ashley
07 March 2014 @ 12:31 am
Is it kind of like a right of passage to have that high school romance? Or any kind of teen fling for that matter? I feel like, after reading and watching all of these novelty teen stories I've just filled my mind with this unrealistic idea of high school. And now that I'm almost a year after I've graduated, I feel like I missed out on something. Not prom, because not going to prom never bothered me. I never saw it as a big deal, but I do feel like socially, my high school experience lacked something.

I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even been kissed. I once made up this exaggerated story about my brother's wedding in Jamaica, where I made out with one of the groomsmen named Spencer. I also told people I got high for the first time in Jamaica. Neither of things are true. Spencer is real though, I didn't go as far as making up a new guy. He did kiss me on the cheek politely and he did hangout with me a few times. But making out with me never happened. Kissing never happened. I sat around with my brother and aunt while they smoked pot but I never got high. I drank some screwdrivers at the disco and vaguely remember it, so that happened.

The fact that I felt like even then, at fifteen years old, I had to come back from Jamaica with this story that I had made out with a 23 year old guy, worries me. I'd always been good at making things up, maybe that was because I was a writer. But it's embarrassing. Is it? I'm nineteen now and still have yet to kiss anyone smack on the lips, other than my grandmother. *insert gif of Ross Gueller being disgusted here.*

So maybe it's because I just finished watching the Spectacular Now that I'm feeling all bummed. I've had crushes on guys but never dated on. Why does this Aimee character who is essentially me, get to have it all? Where is the one guy who was supposed to sweep me off my feet, introduce me to awkward silences and butterflies in the stomach and bumping noses when we kissed and having sex?

I missed a whole part of my life. While everyone else was doing that high school relationship thing I was at home stuffing my face with chips and watching Harry Potter. It's not anyone else's fault but my own, I suppose. I never cared about my health and so I've been fat for basically my whole life.

I don't know what the point of this entry was. I'm just sad. This movie was so good and I'm jealous of every girl who's had a boyfriend.
 
 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
 
 
 
Ashley
05 March 2014 @ 09:57 am
I'm moving home in five days. I feel tired and exhausted of being so lonely and trying to hide it with my stupid, "I'LL ONLY BE SUCCESSFUL IF I STAY IN A BIG CITY" attitude. And maybe, for what I (thought) I want to do, that's true. But again I'm so young still. University didn't work out, at least not now, and I can't stop these stupid thoughts in my head about how easier it would be if I wasn't even here to have to decide what to do with my life. Now I know what some people mean when they say suicide is a coward's way out. It sounds easier than having to take responsibility for things, that's for sure. And I'm not even positive where these thoughts came from or if I'm just being over dramatic, but they creep up when I think about how I'm the youngest kid in the family with all these expectations on my shoulders. My oldest brother went to college, has a career in something he enjoys and is good at and makes good money, is married and has a baby on the way. My second oldest brother didn't go to college but he's got a full time job in something he enjoys, working at a car dealer ship. I can relate to him the most because he had the same struggles I do. He's still living at home but saving money. So now my parents look at me and say, "Ashley will either end up successful like Zach or living at home at 26 like Tyler."

From when I was like seven years old I knew I wanted to be a writer, and I guess it's my fault for going around and screaming that to the world. It was the only possible "career" for me and so I never succeeded in maths or sciences, never bothered to look into other careers even involving writing. I was dead set on English at Carleton University and when I got there I realized, wow, I really don't like what I'm studying. I discovered I like feminism and women's studies. I found out I'm interested in politics, world issues and not only writing but in an open minded sense, things that are happening outside of Canada. So the feelings of doubt crept in, it's too late to change my mind, it's useless because I'm not good at anything, not even writing. I wrote a story of 50,000 words called "Banana Pancakes" when I was fourteen and it got good feedback online from other kids my age. This, to me, meant I should be a writer. And maybe I should. But there are better writers out there, who deserve a book deal more than I do. I haven't written anything but lame fanfiction and blog posts for the past three years. I have no ideas for stories. What is it, a loss of interest or long-term writer's block?

So, moving home is my only option right now. I can work and try to save money, focus on eating healthy and working out, be with my family and friends, and just try to start over. From now on I have the attitude that my life starts right now. I should've taken a gap year after high school, because after being in school for 14 years of my life, maybe university right away was not the smartest thing to do. Or maybe it was. Who knows.

For now I'm living in the moment. And that moment is: jesus christ I should take off my makeup. I slept with it on, yuck.
 
 
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Boy - Little Mix
 
 
 
Ashley
01 October 2011 @ 12:15 pm
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